Because I was a bad girl

You know sometimes when you take out your strength and courage to ask for something and you get rejected, and you keep trying and trying thinking this time will be okay and still you get rejected over and over again? It's like pouring cold water right in your face; and all you want to do is to dig a hole in the ground and stuck your head in like a peacock? Because for the n times, I was rejected.

And yea, I did that to others too so who am I to say? Serve me right, I guess.

Yes! Santa dream come true!

I was giving up on my Santa dream and then I see this! Just what I needed! And it's not too late! Bought a plushy toy from Popular without second thought.

Christmas resolution checked ☑️

P/S: Santa is for real ❤️

Let the kindness spread

So I visited the recycle centre yesterday to dispose of an old hairdryer of mine with a defect switch which other else works fine. As soon as I set the hairdryer down, a vagrant approaches it and took it with her. And somehow, seeing this hurts me from the inside. It's just so sad...

I didn't choose the recycle centre for nothing. In fact, that's exactly why I've chosen the recycle centre. I've always known that there are vagrants around the area and they take what was disposed. I decided that if there's anything I could offer, I would. Rather than just throwing it in the rubbish bin, why not give it to someone who appreciates? And since it's the recycle centre, anything that you throw that is not appreciated will proceed to recycling. An act of kindness on one side, and going green on the other. Win win, no?

And since Christmas is coming, I want to make it my resolution to be Santa for a random orphan this year *fingers crossed*

Why is everything in life so hard?

Random post from my phone

Wow wow it's been a long long while. And yet another random post. Remember how I said my random posts are mainly complaints? Or such. Well....

It's just that lately I've been exhausted...with life. You see, life hasn't been going the way I want. But that's supposed to be normal, that's exactly how life is and I shouldn't be depressed. Past experience showed me that life is always sweeter after the bitter - like I ended up getting something better than what I lose. And I'm grateful for everything that happened in my life, good or bad, cause that's what makes me me today. And today? I'm struggling between "getting in the bitter" and "getting through the bitter". And that sucks. I hope it ends soon. I wonder what's waiting for me...

Tattoo, yes or no?

If you hadn't know, well, I wanted a tattoo since like years ago. And that feeling just gets stronger each year. But oh all those obstacles... and none of the people around me seems to be supportive on the idea... when can I actually get one? Anyway, putting that aside, I just couldn't make up my mind on a tattoo design. I love stars, had always wanted a star tattoo, but couldn't come out with a star tattoo design that can satisfy myself. Tried Google, and still, ... Then I think scorpion is cool. I'm a scorpio for your information. But if I do that, I feel "exposed" - like, everyone knows I'm a scorpio just by looking at my tattoo... Then I wanted random curvy lines, but again, couldn't come out with something that can satisfy myself, or too afraid that one day I might think the lines just don't look as cool anymore and regret it... Then I wanted words, but had totally no idea on that one...

And another important decision of having a tattoo - location. I kinda decided on this one, but, obstacles... I wanted one on my calf, for two reasons - one, purely just because I like it there (suitable and visible); two, because they say it's one of the least pain locations for tattoos. But the obstacles? First, my future career - I'll most probably be working in an office. I don't know bout other countries, but in Malaysia, people have bad perceptions on tattoo and they expect people working in the office to be good little girl with no tattoo (and colorful hair, on side note). I didn't want to be stipulated to wear long trousers to work instead of blouse or dress, cause what I had in mind my future is to wear pretty dresses to work. Long trousers are fugly. Second, problems relating to getting into a "new" family "peacefully"... Why do people always have to think badly about having tattoos?

You might say, "why not get one on a location you can hide, like parts of the body where you cover with clothes?". My thought is, if you're going to get a tattoo, make it visible. What's the point paying hundreds to hide it where people can't see? But if you're having more than one tattoo, then it might be cool hiding some while having some visible. That's what I was planning to do. Was. Until I found out that the tummy is one of the most pain locations for tattoos. Because I wanted my second tattoo to be on my tummy...

And if you're thinking why I didn't mention my dad as the obstacle, well, he's kinda an obstacle, but I don't really care. Worst case also I get scolded badly and that's all, it's not going to affect my future or whatsoever.

Okay, enough of blabbering, time to sleep. Nights.

Coins? Paper Money?

I always don't get why we need coins. Why not change all the coins into paper notes? Paper money is lighter, and more convenient to bring around. Some wallets even do not have pockets for coins! Mine is an example. And the consequence? I do not bring coins out, but always end up bringing coins back, and so my coins just keep increasing and not decreasing...

Vermiphobia

It's 3am last night, and I'm awake. Am supposed to post this at that moment, but the computer isn't in my room and there's this rule in my house that we're not allowed to use the computer pass midnight unless under certain exceptions. Sneaking out to the living room to use the computer is way too risky and it's not worth risking that just for a blog post, so I could just wait till the morning when I'm free to use the computer.

So, back to the reason why I am awake at a time like that? I was awaken by a nightmare of me seeing a worm. Yes, just as simple as that. Awaken, crying hard. This may sound funny, but I'm actually a sufferer of Vermiphobia - phobia of worms, classified as Specific Phobia of the animal type. I just can't stand staring at a worm for more than a few seconds without crying. There's no exact factor to how an individual can suffer from phobia, but I guess there are 2 possibilities to how I suffer from this phobia.

#1: Genetic link.
Unreasonable? Well, Wiki says it's possible. Read this:

"It appears that family members of a person diagnosed with Specific Phobia have an increased risk of developing the disorder. Particularly, first-degree biological relatives of person with Specific Phobias, Animal type, are more likely than the general population to have animal phobias."

And since my older brother is also suffering from Specific Phobia (phobia of butterflies), and remembering my dad also used to suffer from such phobia (phobia of lizards), it kinda make sense this way. On a side note, dad is no longer phobia of lizards. There's a saying that phobia can go away on their own upon maturity, or maybe, dad just happened to overcome it?

#2: Trauma.
I had this bad experience of being frightened (nearly to death) by a little earthworm when I was about 5 or 6 years old. It was my first time trying to bath alone with the lights off. Then halfway I felt something moving under my feet, so I looked down and... there's this liiiiittle earthworm under my feet wiggling. I screamed and petrified. Grandma came to the rescue, but I was already petrified, not moving even an inch. So mum kinda believed that incident caused my phobia, but it could also be the other way round - the phobia caused that incident. Which?

So exactly how I get this phobia? An unanswered question. But one thing for sure, I'm currently a sufferer of Vermiphobia.

With or without?

"I'm getting tired of my spectacles."

If you hadn't heard this from me, it means that you hadn't been hanging out with me lately.

People have different opinions on me. Some think I look better with spectacles, and some think the opposite. If you ask me, I would say "I don't know, it depends", but I do regret not taking good care of my eyes. Well, actually the fact is, I spoiled my eyes on purpose, because I was stupid when I was young. My sister was the first among us siblings to wear glasses, and I wanted to wear it too (you know, kids follow whatever others do), I was only seven. Parents wouldn't buy one for me, so in order to get one, I have to spoil my eyes. Stupid stupid stupid. Hais hais hais.

Whenever I changed a new spectacles, I think I look good and like it for the moment. But as time passes, I get tired of it, and wanted to change a new look. And I should say, I get tired of it pretty fast. In the end, I prefer myself without spectacles.

Trying to be as similar as possible, with and without spectacles. Which do you prefer?

One good thing is that my degree isn't very high, I can still see without my spectacles. It's just that, I'm used to wearing it now. My degree hadn't change since Form 5. And for your information, I only started wearing spectacles after I started driving, which is during my Form 6. I have no problem with my vision all this time without my spectacles. But to be safe (especially during night time), I drive with my spectacles. To prevent myself from forgetting to wear my spectacles everytime I drive (which I always do forgot), I started putting on spectacles all the time, all day long... Eventually, I get used to it, and now when I took it off, my vision went blur... Oh, how I miss those times when I can see clearly even without my spectacles. I want to get back to those times... Maybe I should start taking off my spectacles now, and try get used to not wearing it like how I get used to wearing it?

Random Post 2

Just another random post. When I said "random", it's mainly about complaining. Hahaha. So here goes the complaining...

You can scold me whatever fuck you want, eg: flirt, bitch, slut...cause I'm always out with friends, cause I learn dancing, cause I wear shorts alot... Just scold whatever you like, but don't scold me "haven't learn to earn money, already know to spend".

It's not like I didn't want to earn money. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DON'T ALLOW ME TO WORK! This is something out of my control. It's unfair to scold me by that. You can scold me "too much outings", cause that is under my control, I can choose to or not to go out. You can scold me "learn dancing", cause it's under my control, I choose to or not to dance. You can scold me "wear shorts", cause again, it's under my control, I choose whatever I wear. But scolding me "haven't learn to earn, already know to spend" is NOT UNDER MY CONTROL! In fact, it's under YOURS!

I'm a student. You want me to study. How can a student earn money? Study is in fact a way of spending money. Money go out, but no money come back. I pay my fees to school, they don't pay back interest, no dividends, and I can't take back my money. And study is my largest expense. I have never buy anything more expensive than that!

Once again, I'm a student. How can a student earn money? By working part time. Yea, I did work part time. So that statement - "haven't learn to earn money" - doesn't fully apply on me! I worked part time almost during every long holiday I had since the age of 17. I choose to work on my own will, not cause you want me to work. In fact, you are the one who got so angry at me when I worked, cause you just don't like seeing me going out to work. And you actually forced me to quit 2 of my job.

Just by working during holiday is enough to make you angry, what more to say if I were to work part time while studying? Yea, I requested that too. And you should see your own reaction, how you yelled at me to concentrate on my study. So maybe you should change your statement? Instead of "haven't learn to earn money, already know to spend", why not change to "I haven't allow you to earn money, so you also cannot spend money".

Also, please let me remind you, I PAID FOR MY OWN LIVING IN UNIVERSITY for the past one year (I'm only in my 2nd year now, so meaning since the day I entered uni, I have been using my own money). I didn't use any of your money! I relied fully on myself! I paid my own course fees, my own books, my hostel fees, my meals (and whatever I missed up) for one year, except my fees for the 2nd semester. But that's cause I won the bet. That's another story, anyway, you agreed to pay for my 2nd semester fees if I win the bet, and I won. Then starting the 2nd year, I get kicked out from the hostel, so I paid my own course fees, my own books...and petrol! Yes, I paid my own petrol to drive back and forth from uni.

But starting middle of this semester, you start paying for my meals. This is because you said you want me to be fat, and you agreed to pay for my meals so I need not have to worry bout the money, and just eat as much as I like. Don't tell me you forgot this like you forgot you don't allow me to learn piano (still want argue with me "when did I stop you from learning piano?"). Or is it because I ate too much, that your money went down so fast, that you regretted what you said?

Anyway, if I haven't learn to earn money, where do I get all those money to pay for my university? Conclusion, don't use a statement that don't fully apply on me to scold me!

Random Post

Thought wanna spill my anger here since I couldn't share it with anyone else and the thought is driving me crazy. How can someone in a relationship possibly did something which is obviously flirting and still trying to argue that he's not wrong? Here's the situation:

A boy in a relationship went out with a group of friends and not minding one of his close female friend putting her hand on his shoulder.

Now, my opinion - when you're in a relationship, shouldn't you know what to do and what not to do? Shouldn't you know to draw a limit line between you and your female friends?

And when the girlfriend complained what he did, he's still trying to argue that he DID tell all his friends that he has a girlfriend, and that the girl is the one to put her hand on his shoulder, he did not put his hand on her shoulder, so he thinks he's right. Huh?! Didn't you know how to "REMIND" your friend you had a girlfriend? Or try to say "no" when she's trying to "get close to you"? Well, the fact is, he don't think having her hand on his shoulder is a problem AT ALL.

PS: Stop fooling around with your friends like you're single when you're ACTUALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP! It's not like your other half didn't mind.

Arrgghh, and I f*cking do not know how to express some of my thoughts in words. Those thoughts are filling me with dissatisfaction and slowly draining me out.

FAMILY and FAMIHY

Anyone ever thought of WHAT IS A FAMILY??
>A family is a group of members with the same DNA (this is what I got from the dictionary..)

Most of us may think that family is a group of members consisting of a father, a mother, and child/children (Ya, I know some of you may have grandparents,but that's not the main point I am talking about here...= =). So,...if that is meant by a family,then does that mean that if there is only a father or a mother or just only the children,then they are not family? (Hmm...I don't have the perfect answer,it depends on the situation)

Anyway,in my own opinion,a family doesn't mean that we MUST have the same DNA. A family can be anyone living together with love (*cough* AHEM...don't get too far from the point, please...) So,...does that mean that even if "they"(I doesn't mean anyone..) have the same DNA, but have no love among each other,then "they" are not family?? (Again,there is no perfect answer for this)

Okay,now we may get into my REAL topic----"FAMILY AND FAMIHY"!
FAMILY in WORDS,means "Father And Mother I Love You" (those who watched "Kids Not Stupid 2" will understand where I get this from XD). From the word "FAMILY", we can understand that "LOVE" is very important in a family.

How about the word FAMIHY? Most of you may guess that already...it is the opposite of FAMILY...meaning "Father And Mother I Hate You".

Now,relate my above question (even if "they" have the same DNA,but have no love among each ohter,are "they" still consider as a family?) with the words "FAMILY & FAMIHY". The answer is,NO (as I said above,there is no perfect answer...this is just for fun)! Because "they" are not FAMILY,but "they" are FAMIHY!

*So, do you have a FAMILY or FAMIHY?